REFLECTIONS – Part 2 – GETTING TO ‘WE’

In general do you get on with people and horses? What attitude do you have to the majority of people and horses you meet? Many people have a similar attitude to both the humans and horses in their life and get a similar response. If you get on with most two legged and four legged companions it is a fairly good indication that you are showing them respect and treating them as individuals. In which case you are able to generate a situation whereby they want to spend time with you. This is at the heart of both good team work and good training…..and in turn at the heart of this is how to be ‘assertive.’

ASSERTIVENESS - I’M OK AND YOU’RE OK

Coming up in this paragraph is a magical concept that is the probably the most powerful tool in my coaching armoury. It is certainly a wonderful route to not only assertiveness, but also partnership and ‘we’….as opposed to the isolation and weakness of me, me, me. If we want to get on with people or horses we have to genuinely be able to say….”I’m OK and you’re OK.” This is being assertive and respectful and open’s the door to partnership. It seems too simple to be true, but try it…as I said it’s magic.

But what often happens instead? In general there are two polar opposites to being assertive…being agressive and being passive. A person or horse that is aggressive is basically saying ….”You’re NOT OK but I’m OK.” Whereas being passive says …. “You’re OK but I’m NOT OK.”

The most typical weakness I see are trainers and riders that are aggressive and as a result they make their horses passive, which is one of the reasons I say we should aim for acceptance rather than submission. A passive horse will not be a winner against the clock in show jumping and will never show true brilliance or joie de vivre in their dressage. Most worryingly of all a passive horse is a danger to both the rider and themselves when going across country. If we produce passive and submissive horses we are a mile away from the partnership that is required at elite level and makes riding so special for so many.

BRIDGE BUILDING

Looking at a bigger canvas it seems to me that working towards partnership and having a generosity of spirit, even between those who have had historical difficulties, is so hugely important. As Nelson Mandela said….”If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.” So bridge building is hugely important in our modern world if we are to work together to make the next 150 years successful. But partnership means participation….participation in our relationships, in the affairs of our community and in the wider world.

In England, 150 years ago, the county of Cornwall, where I was born, was connected for the first time to the county of Devon by the opening of a new railway bridge, designed by that extraordinary engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel. At the time the river Tamar, separating Cornwall and Devon, was like a brick wall, but the bridge brought the two communities together with a real sense of partnership.

BROTHERS IN ARMS

Ireland is now a role model for the healing of conflict and moving to partnership, and to make that possible many good people had to contribute and show huge courage. We are in their debt. Nelson Mandela is one of the most eloquent leaders in the world and makes a powerful statement about this type of situation…“No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.

150 years ago A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens was published. It is a story based around the French revolution…and probably we all remember from our school days those three words, which surfaced as a great mobilizing call of the people at this time…Liberty, Equality and Fraternity. Even today we fight for Liberty and Equality but few fight for Fraternity…for brotherhood. It is a missing link.

It takes courage to build bridges and work for brotherhood and the benefit of others who are of a different culture, religion or race. It also takes courage to try to make the most of our lives. Irish playwright John Millington Synge gave us that wonderful line that has inspired many people, including myself, “I wouldn’t give a thraneen for a lad that hadn’t a mighty spirit in him and a gamy heart.” A mighty spirit and a gamy heart! Or as Nelson Mandela said, “There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” We need to aim for excellence.

PRACTISE MAKES PERMANENT NOT PERFECT

The bridge of Brunels between Cornwall and Devon was and is an excellent bridge…well designed, well built, and well used, right up to the present day. Who hasn’t heard of the expression ‘if it’s worth doing it’s worth doing well. A key point of good sports or academic training is to do the simple things well, from the beginning. This prevents the establishing of bad habits and opens the door to fulfilling potential. In particular it avoids the need for retraining, which is so slow and difficult to do. Therefore what we practise we need to do well rather than develop bad habits.

As everything can usually be broken down into small parts then this process applies for all levels of difficulty, including elite sports and scholarship students. It also opens the door to excellence. As Aristotle wrote over 2,000 years ago "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.”…and achieving excellence is not just territory for elite performers.

EXCELLENCENCE IN ALL AREAS

We can all get in the habit of doing things well…equally we can get in the habit of doing things badly…which inevitably leads to a lack of satisfaction, a lack of success, a lack of self esteem, and a quick journey back to the armchair and the television. Excellence is a habit….however we tend to apply this strategy just to sport and business, but not to other areas of our lives. All the same it is just as applicable in the way we deal with each other and every aspect of the way we live our lives outside of work and sport. We just need to be committed to excellence.

The daily treasures of a welcoming smile, good companionship, a lift down the road, a kind word or deed, genuine praise, a cup of tea offered, a few moments to listen, the ability to forgive…are all examples of excellent habits….bite size treasures that sustain us and together help form a good life…and make us mentally rich. The success and strength of loving families, extended families and friendship are because of thousands of these bite size treasures exchanged over many years. Excellent things that are hugely positive and empowering and show us there is more to life than increasing its’ speed. As they say the trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat!

…AND THERE’S MORE…FUN

I believe we can all feed off excellence and an exposure to greatness…and I believe we can all ‘stand on the shoulders of giants’ and heroes in our quest for excellence in all areas of our lives …hence the wisdom of those quoted in these reflections. An American couple, Mr and Mrs Ferris of Illinois, also had a particular hero, who was the first president of the United States. So it was no surprise that when their only son was born, exactly 150 years ago, they should name him George Washington Ferris. He grew up to invent the Ferris wheel, which continues to thrill young and old even today, especially in modern versions in major cities, like the London Eye. It is an excellent invention that reminds me of the circle of life, and the need to make our lives meaningful and each day meaningful….and it reminds me of fun!

EFFORT AND DELIGHT

Kenneth Grahame, the author of The Wind in the Willows, was also born 150 years ago. I was delighted to discover that he modelled Toad Hall on a Cornish hotel Fowey Hall. Kenneth Grahame knew the importance of fun and a sense of humour, and of having peaceful times...we all need excellent rest as well as work, and in summer many of us are enormously blessed, especially with our coastline, lakes and rivers. As Rat said in the Wind in the Willows “There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.” The simple pleasures are excellent pleasures…a picnic by a river, a walk in the hills, a meal with friends…. a day of good health …we have much for which to give thanks.

R X 3 + WE

As a way of summing up these reflections the Dalai Lama’s words resonate. “Follow the three R's..... Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.”

So that great clock and icon, London’s Big Ben, which first chimed 150 years ago, ticks on….and we continue to strive to make the most of our lives on the road ahead. In the words of my favourite mantra, with one ‘we’ change, of American poet Robert Frost as he stood, with his horse, in the woods of New England on a beautiful evening……”The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but WE have promises to keep, and miles to go before WE sleep....and miles to go before WE sleep.” Happy days, William

www.WilliamMicklem.com

NEXT TIME….

REFLECTIONS – Part 3 - JOY….some more possible answers, a lesson from my Father and probably the finest words ever written about horses.