It’s not easy, what some of us have lived through.  We lose ourselves in the humdrum process of daily life, we become someone we hardly recognize.  What happened to the girl who knew who she was and what she wanted?  Where did she go?  Who are we without the house, the kids, the husband and the laundry?  A very good question.

In these past few years I have faced many challenges, as many women have.  I left a man I had loved for 33 years, I was still in love with him when I said goodbye, the hardest thing I ever did.  But it came down to survival – mine or the marriage and I chose me.  Suddenly all the walls that hemmed me in but also protected me came crashing down.  The familiar was gone and I was alone.  I lost everything, the house, property, my horses, and my income – a clean slate.  It left me feeling that I had failed as a woman, as a wife and as a person. Why couldn’t I make it work?  Why couldn’t I make him happy?

The Lone wolf crying in the wilderness – that’s how I felt for years, unseen and unheard.   I was hurt so deeply by it all. I was abandoned in my marriage both physically and emotionally.  So many times I took up the sword, charged to the top of the hill to face the enemy - only to turn around and discover I was fighting alone again.  No back up, no support. As the years passed I became stronger, more defiant and louder – as no one listened.  I fought to be heard, and still the silence, I cried alone.   On the outside I held it together, raised the kids, cleaned the house, ran the businesses, did all the admin, the shopping, but the loneliness grew and so did the hurt.  And when I left it all washed over me like a tsunami.

I left him to find me, the girl I once knew who sang, laughed and danced, and who knew what happiness was.  Where did she go all those years ago?  It seemed I would never find her again, I started looking.  What I had been through seemed so unfair, I saw the hurt,  the regret, the loneliness, but I didn’t see the anger it had created in me, and how it had changed me into something I did not like.  I was always the warrior queen – I had my sword drawn all the time because it did not seem to be safe to put it down.  I had faced the battle too many times alone, and damn if it was going to happen again!  I grew more aggressive because for so many years no one heard the screaming child inside of me.  Only I heard her.  He allowed me no validation for my emotions, so I stuffed them away too. 

The anger had seeped into every aspect of my life, it created walls of fat for protection, nothing came out and nothing went in.  Stagnation.  I could no longer see my true self and it held people away from me.  At last I saw it, and it was ugly but I understood.  It was now time to let it go and find the peace that there is in silence.  The quiet strength of knowing that I am safe, protected, loved and able to put down my sword.  I can always find it if need be.  But it was back in its scabbard.  I began to seek the woman I want to become - strong but not aggressive, joyful, feminine, self loving and respectful, strong boundaries, nurturing and alive.  She is coming back, and it’s very nice to see her again!

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