Medication and other ways of coping

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Permalink Reply by Jackie Cochran on October 30, 2009 at 1:04pm

I am trying a new thing whenever depressing memories rear their ugly heads. Instead of going through the negative emotions these memories bring I FORGIVE MYSELF for having to experience the unpleasantness. I know that religions claim that forgiving others will bring relief but that never worked for me. Then I finally figured out that a lot of the depression comes from blaming ourselves for whatever happens to us. This is fine for adults with control over their lives (money helps), but in this culture we are expected to prevent anything unpleasant from happining to us whether we have any control over the situation or not. CHILDREN are often blamed for whatever happens to them ("well you shouldn't have...").
So I forgive myself for having not been able to avoid the unpleasant situations which cause the depressing memories. To my surprise this is really helping my overall mood. It has worked for deep childhood memories and for recent events. It is free, and does not cause any unpleasant side effects. I hope this helps you.

Permalink Reply by Fiona Hill on October 30, 2009 at 1:30pm

i think you have hit on an interesting thing here Jackie, where you talk about depressing memories. Have you read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle? It is very interesting in that he talks about how the mind (and thereby our thoughts) cause so many of our problems, because it forces us to live either in the past (thinking about things that happened to us) or the future (thinking about what might happen), which means we are not living in the now (in what is actually happening). He says that staying focused on the present moment and acceptance of what is, not resisting what is or what has been, is the key to happy living.

I too have also struggled with the concept of forgiveness and I now believe that acceptance of what is, with compassion and love is actually forgiveness, not saying 'I forgive you' to someone else or yourself, which often comes from a position of taking the moral high ground and invariably doesn't work. Acceptance doesn't mean resignation to whatever is thrown at us or passively absorbing other people's stuff, it just means letting go of the wish that things were different and therefore not experiencing the feelings of disappointment or resentment, guilt, blame or whatever that go along with that.

I'm not claiming to have ever experienced a serious depression so I don't know what it feels like to be in a state of complete hopelessness, but I know that there is a belief that depression is caused by unexpressed anger, when those feelings of anger become turned inwards on oneself. So to find a way to forgive or accept things and to have compassion towards yourself would certainly make sense - I guess that also applies to acknowledging when you are feeling down and not judging or blaming yourself for that. I've heard people say lots of things like 'I shouldn't be feeling like this' or 'I should be able to just pull myself together', which is really just condemning themselves and blaming themselves even further.

Doing something that takes us 'out of our heads' in terms of getting away from our thoughts and into doing something practical or physical (such as being in nature, with horses, riding or whatever) is also a good way of re-establishing contact with the 'now'. Sometimes it's the last thing you feel like doing when you are really low, but it's actually something that really helps.

Permalink Reply by Marti Langley on October 31, 2009 at 1:35pm

What a great post, Fiona! It is actually not that easy to live in the "now". I have tried focusing on it while riding on the back of our Harley, and you would think it would be easy, but it is not. My mind keeps drifting to the past or the future and I would have to bring it back to the now, even though I may be riding through the most beautiful scenery right then.

Permalink Reply by Fiona Hill on November 3, 2009 at 9:10am

Yeah it's hard isn't it? Our minds are programmed to drift and chatter on! Focusing on the body can help but it takes practice, like anything else I guess! We have to force ourselves to do it to start with... :-)

Permalink Reply by Marti Langley on November 28, 2009 at 6:42pm

My husband keeps saying Be here Now to me, lol. Remember that book by Baba Ram Das? I read it 20 something years ago. Maybe time to get another copy.

Permalink Reply by Shirley on October 31, 2009 at 3:45pm

I really appreciate your thoughts expressed here, Fiona..
The idea of being in the 'now' is really important! Don't worry about yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow or next year, Just deal with now!
I used to worry so much about the future. Then after many years of doing that I finally realized that most of the things I had worried about never did come to pass but other things did so I'd suffered double in a way ....the things that never happened and the realities. Taking each day as it comes, does help!

Permalink Reply by Marti Langley on October 31, 2009 at 1:38pm

Hi, Jackie, so glad you are in this group. Yes, forgiving ourselves can be quite difficult, easier to forgive others, isn't it?

Permalink Reply by Marti Langley on November 28, 2009 at 6:41pm

Wow, Jackie that is so right on.

Permalink Reply by Shirley on October 31, 2009 at 3:34pm

Walking especially with Cash helps. Stopping the negative thoughts and replace with positive thoughts (Not so easily done but a goal that helps). Avoiding negative chatter of others, Avoiding negative people in general. Spend as much time with horses as possible. Continue learning so as not to get bored which seems to lead to feeling sorry for myself. Make a list of good things in my life and try to focus on those instead of the bad things.
Throw away the stick that I tend to use to beat myself up with & don't hold myself responsible for things that go bad but aren't my fault. Read the book about being "Overly Sensitive"...that helped me a lot to not blame myself.
Try to forgive others and myself for being human but don't let yourself be a floor-mat either , you don't have to let others walk all over you. You don't have to be around people that make you uncomfortable no matter who they are, just cause they want to be around you. Accept some things and relationships just are not going to fix and go on to other things and people.
I work on all these things and take meds but it really is a daily battle.
Horses, meds, acupuncture, reflexology, someone to talk to that's not judgemental, eat properly, get enough rest, horses and horses.
So with all that said, I haven't conquered depression but it hasn't conquered me either.
KEEP UP THE GOOD FIGHT!

Permalink Reply by Marti Langley on October 31, 2009 at 4:27pm

Shirley, such good info here! I tried acupuncture also, and I did like it. Keep up the good fight, indeed!!

Permalink Reply by Jackie Cochran on October 31, 2009 at 8:56pm

Another thing that helps me is that when the unpleasant memory comes up, is reflecting on how fast the Solar system is moving through space/time, and that I am nowhere near to where the depressing event took place. Where it took place (in space) is now several hundred thousand to millions of miles away. Only my memories make it seem here now, but physically it is long, long ago and far, far away (my aplogies to Star Wars.) This helps especially if fear is part of the anguish. Our horses know that getting away from the danger is the safest way to avoid it and we should learn from them, and let the knowledge of the distance help us realize that WE GOT AWAY. In itself this is a triumph of survival. We made it.
Sorry if this is not to clear, I am real tired.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Lamm on November 3, 2009 at 7:54pm

that is a cool way of looking at things... :)

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