Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Annette Willson on June 13, 2009 at 3:16am

Hi Victoria,
You story is a common one unfortunately. I am a Physio and a rider and a back pain sufferer.
Although Fibro is a different pain, pain causes a weakness in the core muscles. This results in poor spinal stability and then weakness and more pain. I treat my patients with acupuncture and Chinese cupping. I teach Pure Pilates and Functional pilates and pilates for Horse riders. My program is Applied Posture Riding I strongly recommend you learn Pilates.

Permalink Reply by Maya Heard on June 25, 2009 at 10:27am

Hi Anette & thank you for responding! I've been interested in learning Pilates and will see if I can buy a DVD & begin slowly. I am severely deconditioned, but will give it a shot. I realize--and this applies to everyone here who recommended exercise, that strengthening and stretching exercises are key. Before I got fibro, I took it for granted that when I did get back into riding I'd be sore & have to build up muscle. But fibro is a whole different story...I've had a bad week and been in bed & am still "down" so will send my husband out to bring back Pilates and start slowly. Thanks again...Vicky

Permalink Reply by Cindy Jeffery on June 13, 2009 at 1:48pm

Victoria, my heart goes out to you. Bless you for pushing on and continuing with horses and riding however slow. Fibro has brought you to a new stage in your life, one with a lot of pain and managing that pain is key. But as you have found horse are a big part of your well being, but progressing slowly is key. I agree with Annette pilates would be excellent for you, but remember in anything you do it will never be like it was before Fibro, you must accept that going slow, being led around by your husband is all part of the way you do things now. That's how YOU ride, of course it's not the way others do it (showing, galloping, driving, jumping, etc) but it IS the way YOU do it and you need to be PROUD of your accomplishments so far. Being led around or you teaching from a chair, what a great way for you and your husband to spend time together, learning never stop learning. Bless your husbands heart for learning about horse and riding Babe for you, mine wouldn't do that, he would much rather get rid of them. I am a bareback believer and like to start horses that way. From all those years of riding bareback you do still have a good riding seat and position, you are weakened by fear of the unknown consequently muscles deteriorate from lack of use. Fibro is horrible, I don't know that I have it but I do deal with severe pain sometimes, I am learning to accept the fact it is part of my life now but it is not going to beat me. So I do what I can in the way of exercise, meds, diet, etc. to keep moving and once I'm moving I don't stop until I'm too tired to carry on. I wish I could be there to help you, I am a CHA instructor, have been teaching for 25+ years, horse training as well and lately I've been working with people in pain both physical and emotional. Physical and emotional tie together and I can't help but sensing from what you have said that you are mourning the life you had before. I know it is hard but push yourself to accept that previous life as a wonderful memory and look forward to this new life. No matter what.

Permalink Reply by Maya Heard on June 25, 2009 at 11:06am

Thank you Cindy...you've helped me put my situation in perspective, as has everyone who answered here. Despite being disabled for 11 years I still have not really come to terms with it. And as you wrote, I am mourning the life I had before. (and thank you so much for saying I still have a good seat & position--I hope I do, I hope that there is some "muscle memory" sort of thing left...) And I am weakened by fear & severly deconditioned. I get very depressed/am depressed when I do the "compare & contrast" on myself--what I was able to do pre-Fibro and what I can do now.

One of the awful things about Fibro is the not knowing...if I have a "good day" and can walk a block, what will tomorrow be like? OK, or (unknown number of) days in bed? So over the years of finding that virtually any physical activity, including light housework, can flatten me for days or weeks, I do very little. Your advice to accept my previous life as a wonderful memory is excellent, and I am grateful for all of the things I did do when I was younger. But reliving those things, the riding years especially, brings tears most of the time...And looking forward to this new life, this very limited life, is so very hard. But of course I have no choice---and I need to accept this and work on building myself up to whatever my full capacity might be.

Riding the way I used to, and the way I expected to be able to do when I bought a horse again (pre-Fibro horse plans) is not going to happen & I know I have to ride in whatever way I can ride...and yes, I am very lucky that my husband is so supportive. He remembers Susie, he remembers me riding like a "bat out of hell" and doing all the crazy things on horseback no one in their right mind would do these days--especially with no helmet! If my mom had ever seen that, yikes!

There definately is an emotional tie-in with the physical pain and disablity. It just beats you down, wears you down, and buying Babe is my attempt to re-connect with my past, and motivation to work on the present and the future. After so many years of planning on buying a horse when I was older & looking forward to that, this has brought the reality home to me in a way I didn't really expect. I guess I was still in some kind of denial...and Babe, as wonderful as she is, can't "cure me"--instead it throws my situation into a very stark relief--past & present collide and, well, it's just really hard. But I am very fortunate to have her & to just be around horses again. In my own way. Thank you for your wonderful and much appreciated insights.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Lamm on June 13, 2009 at 2:40pm

Hi... thank goodness for you that you can revert to your good old days... I have never ridden a horse at a gallop.... maybe I never will....

I have scoliosis and a lot of pain too.... but I don't know anything about your disease.. I know it is very dibiliating..... the only thing I might suggest is Tons and Tons of water..... good water.... not icky water... that will flush your body of toxins which can cause pain too, even if you don't have fibro... my husband bought me a Kangen water purification system.... actually the water changes your body from acid to alkaline... I swear, that has single handledly helped my joint pain, muscle pain and flushed out impurities faster than anything I've tried and I've had pain since I was 10:)

I think your horse would adapt to you to do anything you want if you work with her enough..... I honestly don't know what I'd do without my trainer, but then I never rode when I was younger....

let's just say this..... I'd work on getting my horse soft and supple, and myself.... there is a book, "yoga for equestrians"... that I sometimes do exercises out of.... I'm not a good exerciser.... and I know if I stetched and worked on myself.... I'd be much better off.....

I also ride with an herb called Valerian...

:)

Permalink Reply by Maya Heard on June 25, 2009 at 11:19am

Hi Jennifer & thank you for responding. I'm sorry you are in pain too...I'd forgotten about the benefits of drinking lots of good water...I used to do that pre-Fibro. I am dual-diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) & Fibro--and with CFS my system does "run acidic" and I am always dealing with that--antacids, baking soda, etc. I will definately start drinking more water--pre-Fibro/CFS I was in really good shape...hiked a lot, walked several miles a day, very active overall...and a "Type A" personality.

Reading everyone's wonderful & thoughtful answers I realize I have pretty much given up on myself. I can do more...and it is OK to ride the way I have to for the time being while working on building myself back up...to what I don't know yet. But thank you for mentioning drinking water & flushing toxins. I know that does work...so, crawling back from the pit...

Permalink Reply by Fiona Hill on June 17, 2009 at 3:56am

Hi Vicky
Thanks for sharing your story and it sounds like you are having a tough time. That said, it's hard to know where to start in terms of offering advice or help, so I'll start with what just springs into my mind. First thing to say is that I am an occupational therapist, so my perspective has a professional as well as personal angle.

You clearly love your horse and you are committed to sticking with her, which is great, but I think it has to be acknowledged that you might actually be trying to fit a 'round peg in a square hole' here. The point I am making is not that you should give up on your dreams, but that perhaps you need to redefine your expectations of what you hope you achieve with this horse right now. It seems that you are focusing on the relationship with Babe in terms of riding her, when everything is stacked against you in that regard.

It can be very hard to look realistically at one's current situation when comparing to how things used to be and wishing it was so again. Cindy was spot on when she acknowledged that there will be emotional pain and mourning for your old life as well as the physical pain. You obviously know it would be very foolish to just jump on bareback, not just for your own sake but for Babe's as well, but I can totally understand why you would want to do that! The frustration must be huge...

Don't underestimate the positives you have going for you- firstly, you have your own horse, whom you clearly love very much and you have a supportive husband which is an absolute godsend (mine is also supportive and I consider myself very lucky!!). Plus, you have found a way to ride your horse which does not cause you physical pain, even it's not how you want it to be.

So, here is a question - can you focus in the short term on working with your horse from the ground while accepting that if you really do want to get up on her back it will be for five minutes at a time, being led round by your husband? Can you be happy to develop that bond with Babe from the ground? It requires a redefining of what you want from your relationship with your horse, that's for sure, and that takes a lot of soul-searching! (This has been my own personal challenge recently and it's tough, believe me).

This does not mean that you will never ride again, but it may be that this particular horse is not the one you are 'meant' to be riding at the moment.

You sound very determined and that is a great strength. You need to use that determination in a positive way and I think the important thing with fibromyalgia is to pace yourself - to recognise your limitations and your abilities and to try to find a balance so that you continue with a level of activity that works for you on a daily basis. This applies now to everyday life, not just working with the horses. It strikes me that by trying to push yourself so hard to ride through the pain. you force yourself into a position where you are then not able to do anything for months, which leads to guilt at not doing things with your horse, feelings of failure, etc. These 'peaks and troughs' of activity will cause you to feel even worse in the long term, as well as leaving you demoralised and feeling that you are going two steps forward and one (or even three!) back.

Don't give up on your dreams, Vicky. And don't beat yourself up about not galloping Babe bareback across the desert. I suspect that a horse with navicular would probably not thank you for doing that anyway! I think you need to see this not just as a physical problem and not just a problem with you. Your horse is green, untrained and has navicular, so throwing just those three things at a person who doesn't have fibromyalgia would add complications!

If you can do Pilates, drink plenty of water, use herbal remedies, acknowledge where you are at AND break down your overall aim into realistic and achievable short term goals on a weekly basis, then, in the here and now (which is the only point in time that really exists anyway), you may actually start to feel better about the whole thing. That simple hey?! You might need to find yourself a good occupational therapist to help you work through some of that stuff - I made it sound very easy but I know it isn't.

Hope this helps

Fiona

Permalink Reply by Maya Heard on June 25, 2009 at 12:18pm

Oh Fiona...I think about groundwork all the time. And truth be told...I am not doing what I should be doing with Babe...I avoid going out to see her. Because it is too painful, emotionally, to be around her. Which does not make me feel at all good about myself. I know, but don't really want to accept, that she isn't the ideal horse for me to ride right now. And I also know that the best thing for us would be for me to go to the barn (on the days I can) and just hang out with her...play, get her used to being around me, working on her manners. So guilt? Yes. A lot. She should be out of her stall and having some fun and learning things...my husband goes out every day to give her the meds, then turns her out when he has time. He has today off and is meeting the shoer out there right now.

It's ironic that what I wanted most of all, for years, another horse, has become something that causes me even more emotional pain (physical pain aside--there is that, of course).

I thought I knew my limitations when I bought her. I expected to ride for a few minutes at a time and slowly build up...but didn't know that wasn't really possible yet (definately needed to be more conditioned, period & while I didn't know she was navicular, did know she was somewhat green. But the "Old Vicky"--my former self, who took over the second I saw her--was unfazed by that. Babe has some solid training & I was going to smooth off the rough spots-no big deal I thought)

But I didn't expect this huge surge of emotional pain/grief. It is horribly frustrating to know she is there, about 10 minutes away, just waiting...and I am too overwhelmed to spend much time with her.

There are 8 year old kids jumping in the arena. 12 year olds doing dressage. And then me...the big middle-aged woman being led around...but that's not so bad. Hard to watch, but OK...mostly. (It's more a swallow my pride kind of thing & I can do that!) So it's me, my memories, and my frustration and guilt. It's like being slammed into my new reality--one which couldn't be more different than the old me. The smells, the sounds, all of them so familiar. And while I hoped to find that a good, healthy thing--it's the opposite. I am too weak to even put Babe's halter on. I can brush her for about 2 minutes, then am exhausted and in pain. Even with pain meds (Vicodin primarily) which I take daily.

So while this does sound pretty depressing, I will start working on my muscles & stamina. I don't have insurance to cover physical or occupational therapy. I know it's small steps on a steady basis. And pacing myself is key.

And it is even more emotionally painful that both of my sisters ride. One shows & wins on the Icelandic show circuit, the other rides 4th level (?) dressage. Both live hundreds of miles away. All they talk about are their horses...so for many years now I've listened and talked about their horses...(neither were interested in riding as kids so began as adults). I've asked them for suggestions about riding, but they have nothing to offer. I think they are so involved with showing they can't relate to me and don't understand fibro...I always rode bareback, and now Western. (Babe's is the only Western saddle at the (very large) stables).

I am determined to do what it takes to ride again. But I didn't expect the emotional part of being back, even in a small way, in the horse world to be so incredibly difficult.

Thank you Fiona, your post definately helped.

Permalink Reply by Jackie Cochran on June 25, 2009 at 2:20pm

Dear Victoria,
I am very familiar with your feelings of guilt about your horse. I went through the same with my horses while I still had them. Overwhelming guilt because I could not give MY horses the life that they needed and deserved. Everytime I saw them, all I could see was what I NEEDED to do but couldn't because of my MS. For years I struggled to trim their hooves, then my husband had to take over (bless our husbands!). Riding them? Did not have the energy. Very depressing, after all I finally got my land and could live with my horses, and then my undiagnosed MS worsened.

And what does this prove? It proves that we are true horsemen, if we weren't we wouldn't feel guilty.

I made several false starts trying to get back to riding (7 or 8?). It is never easy. When I finally decided to go back to the basic pony ride (thank you Wings of Eagles therapeutic riding program) over three years ago, I finally got enough whatever that I have been able to keep myself riding. Don't give up on yourself.

Permalink Reply by Shirley on July 19, 2009 at 1:40am

I love sitting out in the grass with my horse while he munches away. He gets that ever so contented look in his eyes. I was afraid that doing this with him for long periods of time was going to cause trouble when I was able to ride him on trails. I thought he'd want to try to stop and eat when we were out riding. So, I started having him come in to me every now and then just by wiggling his rope and giving it a tug and then I'd tell him 'head up' and give another little tug and then I'd tell him 'Kiss' and I'd give him a kiss on his cheek or nose, then a 'good boy' and a wiggle with his rope to move back and more wiggle to move back more. It has really come in handy at times now cause he's very mannerly when we graze on the lunge line...while others horses are pulling them all over the barn yard, I can pretty much direct him where to go and not even have to move my feet and it's just our special time and I think it's really helped our relationship. It's very relaxing. If you can't do it on a lunge line, do you have a fenced in grassy area where you could sit in a lawn chair with him? I have a friend that does that while she drinks her morning coffee and reads...her horse enjoys having her near. An idea for just being 'with' your horse when not able to do more energetic things. There is something about just 'being' with the horses that sooths my soul. Hope you can use the idea in some way...They are likely to get friendly and close or even want to nuzzle on you a bit which I love!

Permalink Reply by Cindy Jeffery on June 17, 2009 at 12:34pm

Well said Fiona! :-) Group hug via the air waves to everyone suffering this hopeless seeming pain :-) I just feel such emotion when I here of the pain we all go through for our dreams and those we love. Bless all of you :-)
Sometimes I wonder even through all the medical diagnosis if a lot of our pain isn't simply from the fear of ageing and the stress that comes with that. Yeah we all say how great it is to be 40 or 50 or 60 and even list the reasons why. But I can't help but wonder if we are just trying to talk ourselves into it. Anyone else wonder that? Even though we have aged doesn't mean we have all the answers. Something that has been impressed on me lately is to be content with what i have and where I am in my life even though it isn't completely what I had hoped it would be. To enjoy my life, find the tiniest little things and study them and enjoy them for what or who they are. Live in the moment. Hard to do when we spend our lives working and building for our futures hoping to put a little away for retirement (whatever that means).

Permalink Reply by Fiona Hill on June 18, 2009 at 2:31am

Aah, Cindy ... the age old dilemma ... funny how it seems that the minute we start to have expectations of how our life should be, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We talk about 'living in the moment', but as you say, we spend so much of our time either looking back at the past or looking forward to the future, waiting for the day - that we don't notice the moment! (Too deep for me this time of the morning !... ;-))

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