Knowing when to be upset and happy about a ride

People, I have a problem. It's been my fatal flaw throughout my sixteen years of life.......I have a phobia of failing. It's true. The thought of falling anything-tests, riding, contests, anything, causes me to literally hive up. I'm serious. Right now my biggest issue is that I am not assertive enough with the horse I handle. I am a passive person, being assertive isn't in my DNA. Oh, I can be assertive, I just don't like it. It really frustrates me that I am having this problem with 'my' horse. It's been an on going issue that my trainer is helping me get through. Each time I ride and my trainer is there, (she's a 4h Judge, Dressage competitor, on the MDA(midwest Dressage Association), has been riding for years and has a former student training with Debbie McDonald by the way, oh, and has a high school equestrian team) she tells me how good I was. "Your canter looked so smooth. Nice job working that practice trail course. Your tiring for corrections is getting much better. Excellent posture. Good job doing the Parelli training. Your pivoting is much better and that trot is so much smoother! You've been riding three months and look great! " And through all those compliments, words of encouragement and great advice, I walk away upset." He didn't transition straight into that canter. I still can't get him to that gate. We struggled backing over the pole and through the L. I bounced a little during my trot. That pivoting was stiff. He balked when I asked him to trot over the poles during my course. Three months and still not perfect. I need to be more assertive.......... " my list of problems goes on and on. I leave upset and predicting an even worse time when info out again. My bar for how much progress I should be making is unrealistically high. It cannot be reach by Stacy Westfall let alone me. But I'm a perfectionist, anything less upsets me and I need to work on that.

So what should I be upset about? Perhaps the fact that he shifts when I request he stand still should bothered me more than it does. Or that he moves his head around while I try to bridle him. Maybe I should focus on the fact that he ignores me when I ask him to step to the gate.

I'm still learning. My knowledge about horses comes from books. My experience riding comes from each day I go out to see 'my' horse. I need to make goals for me to accomplish each week instead of trying to do it all at once. I need to celebrate the little victories instead of focussing on all my minor issues(isn't that what my trainers been staying all alone?). I dunno. I'm still finding my voice in this journey.

What ways do you stay positive about your rides? Any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks, Paula

I'll post an update of my equine journey Thursday

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Comment by Jackie Cochran on December 17, 2014 at 12:29pm: Hi Paula, you seem to getting into the trap that if your horse does not obey you perfectly you are a failure. My dear, there are Olympic gold medal winners whose horses don't always obey them perfectly. Horses are not cars, they are not robots, they have good days, they have bad days and they have so-so days. How the horse feels that day will have a BIG influence on how well they obey you. Of course, unless the horse is obviously in pain, you as a rider want at least some obedience, note the SOME obedience. Once the rider gets some obedience then she goes into the loooooong process of aiming for perfection. It DOES NOT MATTER if the horse perfectly obeys someone else, you sit differently in the saddle, your pressure on the reins is different, the strength of your leg aids is different, and the horse has to figure out that you are trying to tell the horse the same things as the better rider, because as far as the horse is concerned you are speaking a foreign language. EACH rider and horse combination has to figure out their common language, and sometimes it can take a while before the basis for perfection is established, and until it is perfection is a long off goal. You can still enjoy riding though, perfection is a greatly over-rated goal (unless you are competing at shows.)

Paula, after the first two years of basic training, most old-time experienced horsemen had the time-line that it takes FIVE YEARS of further training to achieve anywhere near perfection in a sport. That goes for both horse and rider. The fact that your teacher is praising you so much after just three months of lessons is simply amazing. Believe me, after 7 more years of lessons she will praise you a lot more and your horse will usually (not always) obey you better.

As for assertiveness, well you don't have to be assertive all the time. I may get assertive with the horse but they way I do it is repeating (and releasing) the aids at the right time in the horse's stride until I get a HINT that the horse is understanding me, or starts obeying me. Most people don't "see" me being assertive because I don't make a big deal out of it. The horses don't get upset at me because I am being polite (though I can get quite "rude" if necessary.)

Since I have MS I have many imperfections in the saddle and my imperfections change without warning. To me having good hands is of utmost importance if I am riding with a bit. So if a horse tells me that my hands are not that good for a ride, the next ride I pay attention to my hands, are they following the horse's mouth right, am I keeping the reins even, etc.. Steady lower legs are important, and if my riding teacher tells me my legs are going all over the place I start doing a lot of two-point (with sagging reins if necessary.) If I bounce in the saddle, well the next ride I really concentrate on keeping my seat bones "glued" to the saddle, with sagging reins if necessary, and I do not concentrate as much as on my lower leg. If you notice something you aren't doing right, ask your teacher if it is alright for you to concentrate on the least perfect thing during your next lesson. You are setting up new nerve pathways, and these take TIME and practice to establish.

My goal is a relaxed, freely striding horse. If the horse improves a tiny bit during a ride I pat myself on my back, fully content that the next ride it might be easier while realizing there is no guarantee that the next ride will be better.

Only God and Jesus were perfect. No one else. All we mere mortals can hope for is something approaching perfection, and for that perfection to occur we HAVE TO pay the price of time, repeated "failures", exasperation, fear, and feeling like we are the biggest klutzes on the history of the universe.

And you know something? Even Jesus would not have been a perfect rider the first two years he rode if he had gotten into horseback riding. It just is not possible even for God incarnate. Horses and humans were not created with the idea that we would ride them, so absolute never-ending perfection is just not possible. So us mere mortals have to accept this, it is the way God made us, horses, and the universe. Even so we are very fortunate, we can still have fun with the horses!