So I can delusion myself all I want but in the end whether I realize it concisely or not, I am still a nervous rider.
Why am I nervous? The same irrational reason I was before, something to do with heights and something to do with the animal. I can't figure out what it is with the animal but it's something that I was afraid of when I was little. I don't know what it is but it still effects me.
I know part of the reason now is my instructor, who is really strict. That's a good thing...when your not nervous. I do appreciate that she tries to get me to do everything properly but because I'm nervous I end up either "not listening" aka I can't concentrate properly so I don't remember to maybe change the direction till I'm passed it or fool up a pattern because my mind is going haywire. Or not doing something properly, and when she has to continuously correct me we both end up fustrated. Her because I'm not listening, me because I try but can't seem to do it right because I get worse and worse, I try harder but still get worse. (This week was extremely bad because I also have some things going on in my personal life, and the lesson just broke me)
I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me till my mother picked me up, I had had a mental breakdown in the middle of my group lesson (of 3) and was just bad. I went to moms car after calming down a bit and basically ended up crying again, because I didn't know what was wrong. Mom, knowing me better then I know myself told me what she thought after I told her what was going on, and how I thought there was something wrong with me.
So I am going to talk to my instructor, and god knows I might be switched around lessons again(my first instructor went on maternity leave) but other then that I need help from someone else that has gone there something like this. What are somethings I can do to keep my nerves, that I don't even register most of the time in check?